Scenes from the Gen Z Adaptation of HBO GIRLS

Hannah: Ughhhh. I just feel like it’s impossible to lose weight and still eat bread with all five of my meals. Life is not fair.

Marnie: Oh, try my diet — I don’t eat anything but Tide Pods.

Hannah: That’s so dangerous.

Marnie: Yeah, I didn’t say I ate Tide Pods. Just that I don’t eat anything else. It’s like — do you even know how to listen, Hannah?

Shoshana enters, wearing baggy jeans that cuff at her ankles and a crop top.

Shoshana: Hiiiiiii.

Marnie: Oh my God, where did you get those pants?

Shoshana: Oh! I just tied my regular jeans up to one of those Pilates Medieval torture machines to stretch them out in all the strangest places.

Marnie: You’re like, so, entrepreneurial.

Shoshana: I know! I’m going to incorporate me.

Hannah looks at her phone.

Hannah: I’m, like, going viral on TikTok, and my mom still doesn’t think I have a job.

Shoshana: How many views?

Hannah: 14 million.

Shoshana (unimpressed): What, has it only been up for 30 seconds?

Hannah looks down at her phone.

Hannah: Omg!! Adam!! This TikTok of him chopping wood shirtless has 17 billion views.

Shoshana: No shit.

Hannah: Do you think I inspired it?

All the girls look at her phone. We see Adam bring an ax down on a log of wood.

Shoshana: Totally.

Hannah: He hasn’t spoken to me since our last text.

Shoshana: Let me see.

Hannah hands over her phone.

Marnie: Hannah! You used a “crying laughing” emoji, what did you expect!?!

Hannah: Ohhhh, I thought that was “sweating while laughing.’ (long pause) Either way, it was accurate. At the time.

Hannah self-consciously wipes sweat from her forehead. Her eyes begin to well up with tears.

Shoshana: Okay, we can fix this — let’s just tell him you were in a coma when you sent that, maybe say you tried Tide Pods-

Marnie: Fuck Adam.

Hannah (crying): Dating is so hard. Like sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who didn’t get Chlamydia from Timothee Chalamet at NYU-

Shoshana: Oh, honey, you don’t have to worry. My friend’s second-cousin Bitsy didn’t get Chlamydia from Timothee Chalamet, I’ll show you.

Shoshana pulls out her phone.

Shoshana: Oh, wait, sorry. She did.

Jessa enters.

Hannah: Where were you!?

Jessa: At work. I told you I’d be here at 6:30-

Marnie: And it’s 6:31. This is so CLASSIC, Jessa.

Jessa: I was at work. I’m not entitled to financial success if I don’t put in the hours.

Marnie (whispers to Hannah): Are they about to write Jessa off the show? This feels so out-of-character.

Hannah (whispers back): I think they just replaced the actress…this woman sounds Scottish.

Indeed, Jessa seems to be wearing a kilt and doing a jig, but the girls can’t tell if it’s for a TikTok video, or if she’s just Scottish now. Either way, it’s going to go viral.

Hannah: What’s the job? Are they hiring?

Jessa: I’m a Product Designer at Facebook.

There’s a very long pause.

Jessa: It pays $200k/year.

There’s another long pause.

Jessa: And free food.

There’s another long pause.

Jessa: I couldn’t find anyone else hiring, okay!?? I let the last kid I babysit get a tattoo of a Stevia packet. Facebook was my only option.

Marnie: OK, Boomer.

Hannah: It’s like, my mom won’t pay me to do nothing, but Mark Zuckerberg pays Jessa to undermine democracy? This is why we need to elect AOC.

Marnie: AOC is elected.

Elijah enters, sporting a side-part

Elijah: It’s for a role! It’s for a role, okay!?

Marnie: Ew. Are you auditioning for like a millennial or something?

Elijah: Ugh, yes, I know, I should have worn sunscreen.

Hannah: Does anyone have an idea for something I can write a think-piece on?

Elijah: What about “fuck capitalism, bring me a latte.”

Hannah: No, I already did that.

All, in unison: FUCK MILLENNIALS.

Hannah: Genius!!

Shoshana: Ok, I hate to be that bitch, but this episode has gone on, like, way too long for our viewers’ attention spans.

There’s a long pause.

Hannah: That was true when we were millennials, too.

An LA-based writer and stand up comic. I write for a bunch of places and I wrote a book, follow me on Twitter @ginnyhogan_ to learn more

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