Hannah: Ughhhh. I just feel like it’s impossible to lose weight and still eat bread with all five of my meals. Life is not fair.
Marnie: Oh, try my diet — I don’t eat anything but Tide Pods.
Hannah: That’s so dangerous.
Marnie: Yeah, I didn’t say I ate Tide Pods. Just that I don’t eat anything else. It’s like — do you even know how to listen, Hannah?
Shoshana enters, wearing baggy jeans that cuff at her ankles and a crop top.
Marnie: Oh my God, where did you get those pants?
Shoshana: Oh! I just tied my regular jeans up to one of those Pilates Medieval torture machines to stretch them out in all the strangest places.
Marnie: You’re like, so, entrepreneurial.
Shoshana: I know! I’m going to incorporate me.
Hannah looks at her phone.
Hannah: I’m, like, going viral on TikTok, and my mom still doesn’t think I have a job.
Shoshana: How many views?
Hannah: 14 million.
Shoshana (unimpressed): What, has it only been up for 30 seconds?
Hannah looks down at her phone.
Hannah: Omg!! Adam!! This TikTok of him chopping wood shirtless has 17 billion views.
Shoshana: No shit.
Hannah: Do you think I inspired it?
All the girls look at her phone. We see Adam bring an ax down on a log of wood.
Hannah: He hasn’t spoken to me since our last text.
Shoshana: Let me see.
Hannah hands over her phone.
Marnie: Hannah! You used a “crying laughing” emoji, what did you expect!?!
Hannah: Ohhhh, I thought that was “sweating while laughing.’ (long pause) Either way, it was accurate. At the time.
Hannah self-consciously wipes sweat from her forehead. Her eyes begin to well up with tears.
Shoshana: Okay, we can fix this — let’s just tell him you were in a coma when you sent that, maybe say you tried Tide Pods-
Marnie: Fuck Adam.
Hannah (crying): Dating is so hard. Like sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who didn’t get Chlamydia from Timothee Chalamet at NYU-
Shoshana: Oh, honey, you don’t have to worry. My friend’s second-cousin Bitsy didn’t get Chlamydia from Timothee Chalamet, I’ll show you.
Shoshana pulls out her phone.
Shoshana: Oh, wait, sorry. She did.
Hannah: Where were you!?
Jessa: At work. I told you I’d be here at 6:30-
Marnie: And it’s 6:31. This is so CLASSIC, Jessa.
Jessa: I was at work. I’m not entitled to financial success if I don’t put in the hours.
Marnie (whispers to Hannah): Are they about to write Jessa off the show? This feels so out-of-character.
Hannah (whispers back): I think they just replaced the actress…this woman sounds Scottish.
Indeed, Jessa seems to be wearing a kilt and doing a jig, but the girls can’t tell if it’s for a TikTok video, or if she’s just Scottish now. Either way, it’s going to go viral.
Hannah: What’s the job? Are they hiring?
Jessa: I’m a Product Designer at Facebook.
There’s a very long pause.
Jessa: It pays $200k/year.
There’s another long pause.
Jessa: And free food.
There’s another long pause.
Jessa: I couldn’t find anyone else hiring, okay!?? I let the last kid I babysit get a tattoo of a Stevia packet. Facebook was my only option.
Marnie: OK, Boomer.
Hannah: It’s like, my mom won’t pay me to do nothing, but Mark Zuckerberg pays Jessa to undermine democracy? This is why we need to elect AOC.
Marnie: AOC is elected.
Elijah enters, sporting a side-part
Elijah: It’s for a role! It’s for a role, okay!?
Marnie: Ew. Are you auditioning for like a millennial or something?
Elijah: Ugh, yes, I know, I should have worn sunscreen.
Hannah: Does anyone have an idea for something I can write a think-piece on?
Elijah: What about “fuck capitalism, bring me a latte.”
Hannah: No, I already did that.
All, in unison: FUCK MILLENNIALS.
Shoshana: Ok, I hate to be that bitch, but this episode has gone on, like, way too long for our viewers’ attention spans.
There’s a long pause.
Hannah: That was true when we were millennials, too.