QUIZ: What Kind of Covid-19 Vaccine Are You?
Vaccines are right around the corner! Sort of, depending on how you define “corner.” Also “right around.” Luckily, there are quite a few different ones — some from Russia, some from that baby lotion company, some from Amazon, I assume. So how do you know which is the right one for you? Luckily, you probably have a while before you have to make that call. Even more luckily, you likely will have zero say in what vaccine you get.
Still, let’s consider the possibility that you do have a say in what goes in your arm (magical thinking is the key to our new reality). How do you know what vaccine matches your personality type? We’ve developed a quiz below to find out if you’re a Pfizer,
What’s your overall effectiveness rate in life?
- 70%, we think. It’s unclear.
- 66%. Wish it were three points higher :(
- 91.6%. Much to everyone’s rude surprise.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
- I want someone who keeps the band-aid on for a full five hours.
- A nice, juicy arm, and someone to really appreciate the antibodies I’m able to offer. Because mine are unique and special!
- A weak immune system — I have a real savior complex.
- A little bit of patience. I’m coming.
- Someone who’s willing to move fast, like me.
How well do you respond to unforeseen circumstances?
- Good, we think.
- It’s hard to tell, given that the circumstances are unforeseen.
- Not to brag, but I’ve been tested against more variants than any of my competition, and I hold up.
- Well, we know I hold up well against ridicule. So, there’s that.
How many shots do you usually take in a six week period?
- 1. Plus one shot of vodka.
How available are you?
- I’m available right now! Come at me.
- I’m right here, ready to squirt.
- I just showed up, but I’m sticking around. I’m not afraid to commit!
- Not super available, but I am low maintenance. Once you have me, you don’t need to store me at too low a temperature (which is to say, I’m super warm).
- I was literally here first.
What’s your ideal night on the town?
- I have the most fun in a refrigerator. Because I’m responsible and stay where I’m told. Also, ice cream.
- I enjoy a nice spiked protein and a gab-sesh with my pals (white blood cells).
- I like to hit up a left arm and snake my way through the bloodstream. Then, I do the macarena.
- I’m a rural gal, give me a rodeo and a rattlesnake any day.
- Orbiting the Earth like my namesake. Which I seem to be doing, whether or not I was tested rigorously.
How old are you?
- Less than a year
- Young for my age.
- The youngest one who can get the job done, for now.
- Sooooo young. I’m, like, not even here yet.
- That’s a rude question, where I’m from. Also, where you’re from. I consider myself mature.
When can I see you again?
- 21 days after we first meet.
- 28 days after you let me inside you.
- Never. I’m one and done — sorry. But only because I do it so good the first time.
- Maybe March? Subject to change.
- I expect I’ll be around a while.
Who would be most likely to play you in a movie?
- Charli D’Amelio. I’m hot and popular right now!
- Meryl Streep. I’m an institution.
- Emma Watson. I’m responsible and British, I think.
- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Duh.
- Probably the guy from HBO Chernobyl. No, not him, he’s British — the other guy. No — he’s British too. I’ve heard Pamela Anderson is Russian. Her.
Mostly 1s: You’re a Moderna! You were quick to the market and highly effective — we salute you!
Mostly 2s: You’re a Pfizer! Often confused up with your Moderna pal, you strive to stand on your own merits. You’ve been around since 1849, after all!
Mostly 3s: You’re an AstraZeneca! You took your time sweet time getting here (relatively….still one of the fastest vaccines in history), but you’re only asking people to get one shot of you.
Mostly 4s: You’re Johnson & Johnson! As a vaccine, you’re more effective than baby powder, which is saying a lot, because baby powder solves a lot of problems. But you’re not perfect.
Mostly 5s: You’re the Russian vaccine, Sputnik! You showed up super early and not fully tested, s, we didn’t trust you at all. Then again, we probably wouldn’t have anyway. Cheers!