Pitch Meeting for Nuts.com

Hey, thanks for having us in today. We think we have something really special for you. Remember how ordering groceries online made grocery shopping so much easier? We think we can do you one better. Do you ever go to FreshDirect, but instead of wanting food, you only want nuts? But it takes you a few minutes to navigate to the nuts page? Well, picture this: online grocery shopping, but only for nuts. And we’ll call it: nuts.com.

You know what I hate? Food that isn’t a nut. And we know you hate that too. No longer do you need to sift through tons and tons of food products that aren’t nuts. Nuts.com takes you straight to what you want. Nuts. On the internet.

Let me introduce you to Lisa. Lisa’s a single mom. With two kids. And a husband, but she does her grocery shopping alone. So she’s Single at the Grocery Store (S.A.G.S., according to our marketing team). And for the sake of argument, let’s have Lisa be black. Lisa walks into a grocery store and buys her week’s supply of cashews. Then Lisa has to wait in line for 15 minutes while all the other ding-dongs buying vegetables and cookies and unnecessary foods check out. That’s time Lisa could have spent with her kids. That’s what the American dream is built upon.

Yeah, there will still be a few different tabs. Peanuts, unshelled, unsalted, and even mixed nuts for the naughty crew. But what’s important to remember is that we’re ONLY selling nuts on nuts.com. Just nuts and nuts.com paraphernalia. Like a shirt that says: “Nuts.com. Where Nut Nuts Buy Nuts.”

We’re progressive. Visionary. Disruptive. Buying nuts will never be the same.

ALTERNATE

Hey, we realized the domain name ‘nuts.com’ is still available. We must monetize.

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Ginny Hogan

An LA-based writer and stand up comic. I write for a bunch of places and I wrote a book, follow me on Twitter @ginnyhogan_ to learn more