My Dreams for the Additional Webs, After Web3
Web3 is upon us: a new iteration of the web, based on decentralized blockchain technology. Web2.0 was dominated by centralized companies like Facebook and Spotify, and it’s time for them to peace out. After all, who doesn’t want to put ‘control my own data’ on their to-do list? But once we do away with the middlemen, what comes next?
Web4: We eliminate passwords from the internet, and instead, if you want something you’ve written online to be secure, you have to type it in white font against a white background.
Web5: Online ad-targeting is gone. Now, to figure out what you want to wear, you have to email Amazon customer support directly and ask if they have personalized recommendations. This time around, we get to annoy them.
Web6: This new version of the internet doesn’t allow for cyberbullying. Analog bullying only, face to face, the way Melania always wanted.
Web7: We stop getting our news online. Unless it was on a Tumblr blog from 2011, which is quickly becoming the entire internet.
Web8: There is no more Cloud. Except the clouds in the sky, which you now have time to look at, since your refreshes are becoming much less captivating.
Web9: Keyboards stop working, and people must write in cursive again, via touch-screen. It’s a joyous time where nobody has carpal tunnel.
Web10: Without e-commerce, we must rely on these concrete establishments known as “stores.”
Web11: Delete all cookies! This isn’t related to the internet — your doctor recently warned you about your glycemic index.
Web12: We eliminate the blockchain entirely, and instead just run things on our own computers. Or, we don’t. It’s really not that important to “run things,” it seems.
Web13: All social media has been banned and the only social networks are groups of old ladies playing Bridge over cucumber sandwiches. You’re welcome to join them, since there’s also no more online poker.
Web14: And without social media, Russia and/or the alt-right are incapable of starting disinformation campaigns on Facebook. It doesn’t mean they’re gone for good — Tony from bowling club told you that Sheila told him that Marta told her that Jason and Kelly had sex. And guess what? They didn’t.
Web15: “Algorithms” are replaced by “Al-Gore-isms” — funny shit Al Gore has said (“I definitely won that election,” for example).
Web16: Now, we get rid of the decentralizers. Well, we stop letting them run the internet, but instead, rope them all off in one house, the DeCenCen (The Decentralized Center). From there, we can probably shoot some sort of reality TV show. Or watch them play bridge.
Web17: Less machine learning, more children learning (we raise taxes on tech companies to fund public education. It would also be enough to just get Jeff Bezos to pay any amount of tax).
Web18: This one is just a big spider’s web. It’s all part of the process.
Web-19: Like other famous ‘19s,’ this one is the last virus your computer ever sees, before it closes its doors for good.
Web20: At this point, notifications are a thing of the past. And without that dopamine hit, counter-intuitively, you begin to finally relax.
Web21: The most updated version of DeFi yet: to exchange money, you need to hand someone a dollar bill. And offer them a smile!
Web22: We stop calling them “users” and start calling them “people.” It feels odd, but once you start saying it, you’ll get used to it.
Web23: This is the one where we’re finally happy and free! We did it!
Web1.0: A pesky MIT undergrad reinvents the internet. Drat.
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thanks for reading, the author of this piece accepts fiat currency on venmo @ ginny-hogan