Because you have to be ready
No, I will not “go on dates” before I decide who someone “is as a person.” Who has the time for that? I just took a year off dating, and besides, I have leftovers to microwave and chin hair to pluck, I’m a busy lady.
Instead, I will follow the much simpler path of using a few tiny, irrelevant facts to project an entire personality and joyful future together onto my Hinge matches, as I’ve done with the following
The Ex-Jock-Turned-Sensitive-Nerd
Damien didn’t say anything about being a former jock, and he seemed neither sensitive nor smart, but still. He listed…
Because it’s not just a shot. It’s who you are.
Vaccines are right around the corner! Sort of, depending on how you define “corner.” Also “right around.” Luckily, there are quite a few different ones — some from Russia, some from that baby lotion company, some from Amazon, I assume. So how do you know which is the right one for you? Luckily, you probably have a while before you have to make that call. Even more luckily, you likely will have zero say in what vaccine you get.
Still, let’s consider the possibility that you do have a say in what goes in your arm (magical thinking is the…
Because it’s good to have options, when you have no options
Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, Moderna, AstraZeneca, BioNTech, Novavax, Janssen, a clove of garlic, prayer — how does one pick the best vaccine to protect them from COVID-19? There are too many to choose from, but don’t let that stress you out — it’s not like you’re getting the vaccine any time soon anyway. Still, there’s no reason not to waste hours debating what your dream vaccine is, so that by 2027, you’ll know for sure. Here are a few things to consider:
- How many shots do you need? You…
Adults know what it’s like to be a child, but we don’t think about it often because being an adult means mostly thinking about yourself. Children, however, have very little understanding of what it’s like to be an adult. As a child, I thought I knew what lay on the other side, but there are a number of things that have unexpectedly persisted.
- Having cousins: It really seems like once my siblings don’t live with me anymore, they’re my cousins. Especially if I find their political views offensive. …
Hannah: Ughhhh. I just feel like it’s impossible to lose weight and still eat bread with all five of my meals. Life is not fair.
Marnie: Oh, try my diet — I don’t eat anything but Tide Pods.
Hannah: That’s so dangerous.
Marnie: Yeah, I didn’t say I ate Tide Pods. Just that I don’t eat anything else. It’s like — do you even know how to listen, Hannah?
Shoshana enters, wearing baggy jeans that cuff at her ankles and a crop top.
Shoshana: Hiiiiiii.
Marnie: Oh my God, where did you get those pants?
Shoshana: Oh! I just tied…
Versus what you actually did
Happy one-year anniversary to America’s very first Covid lockdown, which happened here in San Francisco. A one-year anniversary is a beautiful time to stop and reflect. Indeed, if we’d known what was coming, we may have all behaved a bit differently.
Here are some things you wish you’d thought to do before the world changed, but what you actually did instead. Because hindsight’s 20/20. And 2020, as we all know, sucked.
What you wish you’d done: Hugged everyone you knew, while you still had the chance.
What you actually did: Hugged your knees into your chest as you watched Stranger…
I need antibodies to prevent hangovers, stat
I’m so grateful to be getting my Covid-19 vaccine soon! Well, er, within the next year or two. While I don’t mind having to go in for two shots, I definitely think I should get double the rewards for doing so — and get immunity to a few other things besides Covid-19, too.
I know quite a few of these problems could be fixed through other means, but we’re a year into the pandemic, and even just washing (rinsing) my dishes feels like a full day’s work. Instead, I should just get immunity from them. It’s been a long year…
Because no one went out the way they came in
Our pandemic’s about to hit one year. Wow! Can you believe if you got pregnant right at the beginning of quarantine, your baby would now be learning how to read? (I don’t know anything about infants or their development rates.)
Last March feels both like one day and 16 lifetimes ago, and that’s because, over the course of the pandemic, you’ve likely borne a dozen different identities. Actually, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been 17 different species since you started reading this article, but that’s neither here nor there.
Here’s a list of the 10 people you’ve been this…
You hate our skinny jeans; we hate your early 2000’s fashion
So Gen Z thinks we millennials are losers. Who cares? Why should I be bothered by something a teenager says? Teenagers and I have nothing in common, unless you count acne, which teens don’t seem to get anymore — at least what I can gather from their perfectly makeup-ed faces on TikTok.
They may want to cancel our side parts and skinny jeans, but I’d cancel a whole lot about Gen Z if I had the chance. Speaking as a true millennial, here’s what I’d start with:
1. TikTok
What is the point of TikTok? Weird, jerky little dances? Also, I can’t…
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, social interaction.
This pandemic has been bad, she says, in the understatement of the century. And yet, one thing about life is that it can always get worse. First, we dreaded the pandemic like we’ve never dreaded anything before. (Do you even remember the anxiety? And how long everyone’s Instagram stories were?)
Then, as we settled into the new normal of watching TV for four hours per evening, we began to fear the other side. The After Times, if you will. Or at least, I did — what if I get vaccinated before I finish Game of Thrones?
It’s normal to worry…
Ginny Hogan
An LA-based writer and stand up comic. I write for a bunch of places and I wrote a book, follow me on Twitter @ginnyhogan_ to learn more
